She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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