Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
