honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize