i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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