Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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