i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
