When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
