when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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