I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He felt like a one man threesome
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
