If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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