Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize