with your own penis?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
