did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
