Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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