I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
