my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
