My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize