My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
