nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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