I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
