There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
