Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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