That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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