It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
