remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The air was thick with penises
Liz is crying about burritos again.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
