Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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