Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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