Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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