so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
