a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
