WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
