My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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