I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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