i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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