Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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