Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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