clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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