I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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