Need sex. Gaining weight.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
