don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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