just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize