dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
