fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
