For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
