No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
