The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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