You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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