I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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