remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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