Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
