i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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