Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
