I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
