omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize