Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
