moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize