My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I will be naked everywhere
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
