watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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