I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
