The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
