i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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