Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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