I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
