I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
