i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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