Pappa wants mamma naked
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
