i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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