just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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