i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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